5 ways to be more dead on to yourself.

Anyone else feel slightly attacked when they first read that quote? I know I did. But not in an abrupt way, more so in a "wow, I needed to see this" way. Lately on the gram (@_lifeunfiltered__ if you haven't already found me over there) I've been chatting about how we can give ourselves such a hard time, how we apologise for the space we take up and how we have this constant inter critic. I've been wanting to write a blog post for a while now but struggled to know what I wanted to say, but I think I've got it now. I knew for so long that I wanted to cut myself some slack. I am always my happiest when I am being kind to myself and not holding onto my mistakes or insecurities. I wanted to go easier on myself, but really struggled to know how. So if you're anything like I was, you may benefit from what I'm going to say here. 5 ways to be more dead on to yourself. Let's go.

I should say, the first real step is even being here. It's the recognition that a) you aren't so nice to yourself and b) there might actually be a way to live differently, so I'm glad you're here. For ages I lived in sheer ignorance of the problem. I wasn't being too hard on myself because that's just what I needed to hear from myself. Or I wasn't being too hard on myself because it's just normal to be that way. Or the classic, how else will I ever get anything done or meet any goals? Talk about being brainwashed by yourself, but anyway. Eventually something clicked, the penny dropped and I realised that life was way too short to be so hard on yourself. So here is what I have learned between that moment and this moment that have allowed me to be even a little bit more dead on to myself.

1. Recognise the inner voice as not always being productive or beneficial to you.

Ah the inner voice. Everyone has one. I often view it as a little devil on my shoulder because that's often how it acts. This is a crucial part to cutting yourself some slack. I was always of the opinion that this little voice was a part of me so surely it serves me well, surely it speaks with my best interest, surely it's on my team? Incorrect. The sooner you recognise that the inner voice is not always of benefit to you, the easier you will find it will be to be a bit more gentle with yourself. The little voice in your head is not always your friend. It's barely an acquaintance sometimes and really spends most of it's time being a bully. I speak as if this inner voice is detached from me, because sometimes that's how it really feels. When you take a step back and look at the situation as if you're looking in on it rather than being in the middle of it, it becomes clearer that the little voice is not you. I'm not really sure what it is. I think it's potentially a build up of societal expectations, the pressure you or others have put upon yourself over the years to be a certain way and to meet certain standards all rolled into this one little chatter box that just won't ever shut up or stop criticising you. But do take that step back and realise what it says is not always productive, beneficial or loving and likely stems from what you are exposed to. Recognising it's origins and true 'personality' if you like, makes it that little bit easier to recognise when your thoughts are not serving you well and to cut the negativity off at the source. But your relationship with this little voice doesn't always have to be this way. You can retrain your thought process so much you speak with love to yourself. You have to learn to become more comfortable with calling yourself out on your own negativity and it starts by getting to know that little voice. A word of warning, this will be uncomfortable at first because in order to get to know someone better you have to get closer. But really, the closer you get to understanding your inner critic, the more power you take away from it. No pain, no gain as they say, but this is the secret to rewriting your inner dialogue.

2. Adapt what you can control, accept what you can't.

Cliché, I know. Easier said than done, I know. But we have to start somewhere right? And this is a pretty good thing to try and master. (if such a thing is possible). I am a broken record at this stage, but I will say it again; there is so much freedom in acceptance. How many times have you found yourself dithering over something that is entirely out of your control and just weighing yourself down? That no matter how much you thought about it, stewed over it, rambled on to other people about it, it just isn't something you can change? Yeah, guilt of that over here too. I suppose there's an element of that just being human nature. We like control, we like all of our ducks in a row, we like to know what's going on when and where (well I do at least). A huge part of step 2 is being really in touch with yourself emotionally. I have spent years with my body and mindset massively detached from one another. That might sound silly, but honestly I may as well have been stumbling through life blindfolded because I just did not make time for supporting my emotional wellbeing or allowing myself the chance for my body and mentality to connect. It may also sound silly to you if you are presently operating in this way. How connected are you to your mental and emotional wellbeing? Just something to consider. Now that I have spent time letting the two parts of me get acquainted, step 2 has become more of an achievable target. Don't get me wrong here, I am by no means walking around full of peace, calm and serenity 24/7, but it does happen in a greater frequency these days. If there is something you can control, fabulous, do what you need to do to let the situation sit better with you. But if there's nothing you can do, do not spend your time mulling it over in your head. I am a great believer in everything happens for a reason. Nothing happens by chance or by accident, it is all carefully timed and mapped out to meet the perfect plan for your life. So whatever the uncontrollable is, there's one who is in control. God knows your steps and He knows what He's doing. Leaning into that creates so much freedom. I have a little phrase I like to say to people when I know they are frantically worrying about something they cannot control and it's this; worry is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do but it doesn't get you anywhere. Then as the people around me become acquainted with this wee saying, all I say to them after this is "you need to get off the chair." Then they usually smirk, laugh and say "yeah you're right" because those 7 words are enough to put their anxieties into perspective. I say it to myself and it's just enough to encourage me to just accept things as they are. This is not an overnight thing. You won't do this once and consider yourself an expert. I'm not even sure if such a thing exists in relation to something like this, but what I will say is you can only get better with practice. Be so in touch with yourself that you know when to hand over the anxiety to your maker and wash your hands of the problem. In other words, know when to get off the chair.

3. Recognise that giving yourself a hard time does not make you any more productive.

I used to content myself with the idea being hard on myself would get stuff done, it would make me more productive and would lead to bigger and better things. This is entirely an illusion created by that pest we talked about earlier; the inner critic. You can be productive and be kind to yourself. There is absolutely no correlation between productivity and being a slave driver. Personally, the harder I am on myself the further I drive myself into the ground and the lower quality my work ends up being. Stop fooling yourself into thinking that you have to push and push and push yourself in order to be able to take pride in your work or to allow yourself a small break. This is something I still struggle with, but if I'm not spending my time working towards a goal or something I've been tasked with, I feel like I'm wasting time and feel guilty for not using my time more "wisely". This is especially hard with the line of work I'm in and is enhanced even more now I am working from home. In education, you're never finished. There's always something else you can be doing, another child you can be thinking of strategies for to support them, another form needing filled in, another lesson to plan etc etc. And at the moment the switch off between the working day and home life is even harder to establish some days. But I have learned that taking a break does not make me a bad person. It does not make me any less dedicated to my job or to the children I teach. It does not mean I am a bad teacher. It is healthy and productive to have boundaries. It is healthy and productive to know when you've done enough in a day. It is healthy and productive to have intermitting breaks during the day. Regardless of what anyone says, no job is worth sacrificing your mental health for, so do not consider beating yourself up to equal productivity. The job will still get done whether you speak harshly or kindly to yourself, but how you feel at the end of it will differ entirely.

4.Try to view yourself through other people's eyes.

I challenge myself to this more and more these days. Being more in touch with myself, allowing my body and mentality to connect and practising step 1 a lot more has this step reoccur more frequently. Even today, I found myself spiralling into "oh my boyfriend thinks this about me so I need to change the way I do this" and I stopped myself, cut the inner critic off mid-sentence and decided to consider myself really through his eyes. He hadn't say anything in relation to what I was allowing myself to believe. But my toxic trait (it's good to recognise it and call it out) is that I take one small teeny tiny thing and establish widespread, untrue links that then convince me of something that is entirely fiction. But thinking rationally about how he sees me helps. I step out of the spiralled thinking, I get off the rocking chair and I look at the situation as if I was an onlooker. I then usually shake my head for being so elaborate and occasionally dramatic and I'm able to get on with my day. Again, this has not been an overnight thing. But with a lot of practice and rationalised thinking, it has in turn allowed me to be kinder to myself and to save myself the agro of internalising something that I've made up in my own head and help onto. Cut yourself some slack. The people close to you are really not as mean or brutal as your inner critic would have you believe. Recognising this cuts a little more power away from that voice in your head as you start to become more aware of the relates of the situation. The inner critic has been fuelled by exposure to a world of comparison and a world that encourages feelings of inadequacy so that companies may profit from people's insecurities. Cut off the critic and allow yourself to see the realities of the situation. You are loved by the people closest to you. Remember that. If my boyfriend really felt the way I muster up in my own head, he wouldn't be with me, but he is. And that just tells me all I need to know about the situation. We can be our own worst enemies if we allow ourselves to be. Save yourself the hassle, life is hard enough externally without fuelling the battle internally too.

5. Combat the inner critic by stating 2 things about yourself you like or appreciate.

This a more practical step that with practice, has really helped in time I'm being really self-critical. I say with practice because it really does take practice to recognise when you're bullying yourself and to be able to interject in your own cycle of negativity. But as I keep repeating, the more in touch you are with yourself emotionally, the easier this will be. But emotional closeness with yourself again is an art to be practiced. Practice, practice, practice! You need to dedicate yourself to being dedicated to yourself. You need to learn to invest in yourself and to be comfortable with that. I'm not entirely comfortable with that yet, but I preserve with it knowing there will be a day I am at ease with myself. So yes, in times when I'm being too heavily involved in random thoughts I've manifest in my own head, I love the times I catch myself on. The times I recognise my own toxic behaviour and am able to interject with my own negativity. I like to pick whatever it is I'm flapping about and turn it around if I can. But I will always list at least 2 things I value in myself to cut the negativity and change my mindset. I find myself concerned with my weight a lot, so I'll say to myself "my body houses all the good stuff and supports me". It can be anything physical or maybe something personality related. I think I'm a good friend because I'm a good listener and give honest advice. It's not sinful or a crime to be kind to yourself. I'm still working on this too, but it's ok to appreciate yourself. I'm guilty of talking badly of myself out loud, but thankfully I have good people in my life who will correct me for it when I do it. The dialogue must continue as much externally as it does internally.

"If being hard on yourself was going to work, it would have worked by now". Maybe it's time to try a new strategy. You really are not that bad. In fact, you're actually kind of wonderful. God looked at this world and though it needed you. You have a unique purpose and plan for your life. And you're potentially missing out on some of the good things God has planned for you because you're being so hard on yourself you aren't allowing yourself the opportunity to experience the good things He has in store. Try small things like speaking nicely to yourself, cutting the inner critic off mid sentence, being honest with how you feel. That's a massive one. I used to lie about how I felt because I didn't want to face the realities of my emotions (see, body and mentality disconnect) and all it did was make me more and more anxious and made me push myself harder and harder until breaking point. You don't need to find or experience breaking point. There doesn't need to be a massively dramatic climax in life before you start taking yourself seriously and realising things don't have to be this way. All the power you need lies in your own hands. You will spend the most time on earth with yourself. The sooner we learn to speak nicely to ourselves and treat ourselves the way we treat others, the sooner our lives will level up. There's so many reasons to be kind to yourself. I pray that you'll find and experience them for yourself.

All my love,

Charis x