Mirror, mirror on the wall...

"The problem isn't your body, the problem is what society will allow you to think about your body."

Let's talk body dysmorphia.

"Being extremely preoccupied with a perceived flaw in appearance that to others can't be seen or appears minor. A strong belief that you have a defeat in your appearance that makes you ugly or deformed."

What may seem surprising is that I already know for many of you who have read to this point, you already feel like I'm going to be speaking directly to you. This is something that is rarely talked about. It's taboo to discuss societal norms in any sort of negative way (I will never understand why, especially if there is a hunger to change them) but I have a hunch there is more people affected by this than what is currently thought. Statistically, body dysmorphia is thought to affect 2% of the population but I can't help but feel like this figure is very off. I know personally, this is something I have only begun to recognise as actually having some sort of impact upon my mental health and therefore, I feel I am likely outside of this statistic...and that I'm likely not alone in this line of thinking.

Let's dive a little deeper.

This picture is from 2015. i had just turned 17 and I can explicitly remember looking at this and thinking, "my legs and arms are huge." Sorry what? I've put weight on since then (not bothered but still relevant) and I look at that picture and think how INSANE is it that the culture I was (and still am) exposed to made me feel like that and as result, embedded an overwhelming feeling that I wasn't good enough. Because of the size of my arms and legs. It feels very silly to type, but I know in my head it was (and still is sometimes, because these things are hard to shift) a massive thing.

Theses pictures are from roughly the same time, I was potentially slightly older. At the time, I remember thinking "I actually look ok for once. I look thin. I'm a bit more socially acceptable." Again, sorry what? WEIGHT CULTURE IS SO TOXIC FOR TEENAGE GIRLS (and boys too I'm sure, but obviously I can only speak from my own experience). It makes me so sad that at that age, my goal, objective, thing to strive for, was social acceptance. To be a replica of every other girl I seen. To make a legs thinner, my tummy more toned, my hair longer, my skin clearer, my clothes up to date, my Instagram feed aesthetically pleasing. All because that is what society was demanding of me and the way it was ingraining me to feel. From conversations I've had with friends, I know I'm not the only one who felt this way and this is such an issue. We're raising girls to believe that they aren't enough as they are. That they have to conform and be carbon copies of what society calls "acceptable" in order to fit in. We must do better.

As many of you will know, I have Crohn's Disease. It's not the focus of this post, but what I will say is that I was undiagnosed for a year before I received any sort of answer. I lost so much weight very quickly as I couldn't eat properly because it pained me too much. All of these pictures were during this time. I was ill. Looking back makes me so emotional that it was when I was sick that I felt most socially accepted in terms of my body and appearance. There is absolutely nothing natural, body confident or self-loving about that.

I've put the middle picture in because my shirt collar was literally swinging on me and it reminds me distinctly of a conversation between my mum and a teacher. My mum explained my medical situation to my teacher (once I finally had a diagnosis) and my teacher commented that she had noticed my weight loss but thought I was trying to lose weight coming up to the school formal. I'm not for one second annoyed at the teacher for the comment, I'm actually still really fond of them, but it again just reiterates the jacked society we're living in where losing weight for the school formal would be a thing to do.

Looking back and evaluating my exposure to, acceptance of and belief in toxic societal "norms" explains a LOT about the way in which I have viewed my body for a long time. It surprised me when I eventually realised (quite recently) what I was experiencing. I never really thought there would be an actual name for the way I felt or that others would feel the same. The fact body dysmorphia is even a thing tells me it's fairly common to look at yourself and see something no one else sees. Big arms, small arms, small legs, big legs (what even is big and small? In comparison to what?!) bad skin, too tall, too short, ugly features, awful hair, flabby arms, thick thighs, tummy rolls, crooked teeth, big nose, freckles, no freckles...I'm sure there's a long list of the flaws people find in themselves, but you understand my point. But I think it's also really important to note; what is "fashionable and socially acceptable" lasts approximately 45 seconds. One minute it's best to have a small bum, toned tummy and a petite figure. The next, we all need Kim K bums, a curvier shape and thick thighs. And don't even get me started on painting on freckles. My point is this, you will always be scrambling to keep up and wrecking your body and mental health because the "in" thing changes so much and so quickly. You would honestly be so much better off just accepting what you do have and who you actually are. Making peace with that will bring you so much more freedom than chasing the current trends ever will.

I remember discussing with one of my close friends how we could both look at the same image of one another, yet feel entirely different towards it. What she thought looked nice of me, entirely confused me because all that jumped out at me and stood front and centre in the image, were my flaws and imperfections. But of course, if I spend all of my time thinking about what's "wrong" with me, what doesn't sit right, what doesn't look ok (to who? society? *insert eye roll*) then it will obviously become bigger and appear front and centre in my mind. It really is all about what you let yourself focus on and manifest. If I focus on the fact I feel like my legs are too long, then of course, in every picture I'm going to see that I am too tall, and not that perhaps my hair is sitting nicely or that my eyes are a nice colour. My thoughts are immediately drawn to the negativity and that tells me I'm feeding the wrong perspective. It felt vain writing that, but it shouldn't? We should be able to say something nice about ourselves and not squirm and want to crawl in a hole? My discomfort in writing that just shows me I still have work to do, but I'm ok with that. Happiness is a journey, not a destination.

These pictures reflect the "me" I am now. I still struggle. I still have days I feel below par and days when I just don't feel good enough for anyone. But those days are decreasing and the positive vibes are increasing (amen to that). I've changed a lot since those earlier images. My hair has changed, as has my skin, my face shape and the number on the scale. But the most notable change is that smile that appears on my face 95% of the time these days. The difference? I've finally given up on chasing what society wants me to be, to look like, to wear, to weigh. Instead, my thought process is entirely fixated on what God has to say about me and on manifesting love and postivity towards the body that carries me, protects me and allows me to live this life to the full. I've said this before and I'll say it again, my body is simply a casing for the good stuff on the inside. I am happier now than I have ever been (that felt empowering to say) and I credit self-acceptance for a big percentage of that happiness. There is so much freedom in just being you, the you God created in His image and looks at daily with love. Forget how others see you. Your Creator sees you as loved and adored.

I just wanted to bring a little light to this issue in this space and as I end my ramblings, I want to remind you that YOU ARE YOU and that is such a BEAUTIFUL thought if you allow it to be. Give societal "norms" the boot. I didn't have any love for my body until I took the control out of everyone else's hands. Spend your time manifesting what is good, what is true and what is beautiful about yourself. You get one body. Don't spend your life hating it and wishing it was different. You wouldn't enjoy living in a house that is constantly under construction, so why subject your body to that uncomfortable and destructive way of living? Loving yourself starts now, right where you are, as you are. Let yourself be you.

All my love,

Charis x