The Beauty in New Beginnings.

"Just when the caterpillar thought her life was over, she began to fly."

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Here we are. Another new beginning. Another opportunity. Starting a blog hadn't really been on the top of my list, but I'm excited by the prospect that this little corner of the internet might just blossom into some kind of wonderful. I figured the best place to start was naturally, at the beginning. So lets talk a little bit about the new reality that has brought me here.

Starting afresh has long been something I apparently subconsciously dreaded, despised, detested, dodged (you catch my drift). It's rare in life you end up feeling like you really must start everything again, but that's where I was. I can recall standing (or crying in a corner) facing what seemed to be the highest mountain, tallest obstacle, scariest giant (whatever works for you) I had to date. A complete clean slate of absolutely everything was exactly what I needed. My life was crying out for a detox from the toxic bubble I had established for myself and it had taken me a very long time to realise this, let alone accept it and actually do something about it.

Change can be a very scary thing. Particularly if you're a bit like me and feel somewhat outgoing but also consider yourself to be an introvert in other ways. However, I thought I handled change well. I thought I was fairly independent. I thought I was my own person. But it was entirely an illusion that had been established for me but embraced by me. To speed the story along and to paint you a bit of a picture, essentially the life I thought was mine and plans I had for my future seemed to shatter in front of me (a lesson in itself that we can plan what we want, but ultimately it'll be God's plan for us that will come to fruition). As a child, were you ever dragged along on a family walk that you just did not have any desire at all to go on? Your mum or your dad likely took your hand and essentially pulled you on, while you dragged your feet or even dug your heels in, while declaring how awfully unfair it was that they would make you do such a horrible thing (!). Well yeah, that was me. God dragging me along, somewhat kicking and screaming like a toddler having a meltdown in a shop because their request for sweeties was met with a clear and inarguable no. My request, no (ashamedly) my demand, for what I thought was best for me was met with a clear and inarguable no. And while I couldn't see it at the time, that would be the best no that has ever happened to me. And thus the beauty in new beginnings began to reveal itself.

In such a situation, you have no choice but to move forward. There is no option to backtrack and recreating your reality and re-establishing the "you" you knew yourself to be, is undoubtedly one of the most uncomfortable things I have ever experienced. But in hindsight and with consideration to where I am now, it is entirely one of the most liberating and worthwhile things you could ever do. Without the heartache I felt, I would not feel as strong, as self-confident, as body positive and as optimistic for the future as I do right now. I wouldn't feel so connected to my family, I wouldn't have gone deeper in my friendships and my relationship with Jesus and I wouldn't have found one of the most gentle souls I have ever met.

There is purpose in your pain. God will never put you through something that isn't going to ultimately result in your growth or your greater good. I am certain there are people reading this, my friends, my family, who will be in sheer disbelief at the words I have written here because like the caterpillar, there was a point when I felt like my life was over. But really, God was only getting started, I was only just about to gain my wings so to say (if we're following the caterpillar to butterfly somewhat cringe, yet relevant analogy). The amount of self-discovery that has taken place during this time of world-wide turmoil has been surreal. As much as I am heartbroken at the devastation the covid crisis has caused and is still causing, the healing and restoring that God has done in my life in this time has been so unexpected but so welcome (after I got over that initial toddler tantrum stage, but God doesn't dwell on that, so we won't either).

I entered lockdown weak, riddled with self-doubt, crippled by anxiety, border-lining clinical depression, hateful of my body, my actions dictated by those around me, fearful of the future, unable to make decisions, consistently internally tortured by what others would think of me, controlled by spiralling, irrational thoughts and to put it quite simply, I was a complete shell of a woman who slapped on a fake face every day and hoped and prayed no one would spot the cracks. Even writing this now is allowing such a mixture of emotions to rise to the surface because on one hand I am devastated and heartbroken for the old me, who felt stuck in one position and contented herself to a life of anxiety-fueled living, but on the other hand I am liberated. I somehow broke free from the chains I had placed on myself and from a life God never intended me to live. And the thing is, I can't even fully explain how I have done that. The only answer I can give is this; God. God stepped in, exactly when I asked Him to and exactly when I was finally ready to surrender my entire being to Him. It is entirely by God's strength that I have made it to this day with the mindset I have nurtured and nourished over the past number of months.

So yes, while I entered lockdown frail and powerless, I have left it (is it even over? I'm not even sure if I can say that, but for illustrative purposes we'll roll with it) an unexpected, yet fully embraced new version of myself. A Charis I never knew existed and never knew I would begin to fall in love with. I now have such an inner strength that feels immensely foreign but is completely loved, my anxiety has reduced massively, depressive episodes are few and far between, my appreciation for my body has greatly increased (I now recognise that my body is not what defines me, it simply carries and protects me), I have so much more control over my own actions and the things I want to do and the goals I set myself, I am optimistic about the future and actually feel excited about it (my people will see this as mega progress). I am giving what others think of me the side eye, asking that negativity to find the nearest exit, because it does not for one minute match my vibe anymore and thus is no longer welcome here. I am no longer a shell of a woman, I am me again. A better, new and improved me. No fake face here anymore, no hiding the cracks, no shying away from discussing reality and what's really going on in my head. Writing this paragraph felt so very vain, but part of this "new me" is reminding myself that it's actually ok, no more than ok, to celebrate your own little wins. You are allowed to appreciate yourself and you are allowed to be proud of yourself (21 year old Charis would actually be hyperventilating and having a pure fit at the thought of that).

In summary, if you take nothing else from my rambles please take these two things. Firstly, you (yes, you - you are included in this, so don't discount yourself already) are enough. Just as you are, without changing a thing, you are enough. Despite what the world tries to tell you, despite how you feel inside, you are enough. You were made in the image of your Creator and are loved infinitely by a Father who died to know you.

Secondly but also crucially, you can begin again. No matter how dark the situation, how impossible it may seem, how petrified you feel, you can begin again and you can and will feel like you again. The most frustrating thing to be told is "it just takes time". People used to say this to me alllllllllllll the time and my typical response was an eye roll and a big sigh of annoyance because I felt like it left me entirely powerless and as though there was absolutely nothing I could do to help myself. But coming through this cloud has allowed me to realise that there were things I could and did do to encourage the process along. Here are 3 of my favourite things to do during this weird limbo phase of life in case you ever find yourself there.

Number 1, talk to Jesus (you might not know him well, but he'll still listen). See what makes Him tick, see what you have to offer Him, see what He has to offer you. He is the ultimate peace giver and guidance councillor, so a chat with the Him is always worth it (message me about this if you're intrigued and want to know more). Number 2, talk to yourself. Nicely. Someone recently said to me (and I loved it) that something they like to ask people (and themselves) is; have you been a good friend to yourself recently? There is no one you will speak to more in this life than yourself, so what you say to yourself and how you say it, really does matter. You are important, you are worthy of self-love and you are deserving of kind self-talk. It won't come easily, particularly if you are partial to the ole negative self-talk by the bucket load, but with baby steps and in time (eye roll and big sigh, I know and I'm sorry, but it is true!) positive chitchat with yourself will become your way of life. And number 3, take time out for yourself and just be by yourself. This was the most uncomfortable thing for me at the beginning. I hated being on my own, I always, always, always needed to be with someone. Otherwise, it left me with too much time to nourish the wrong type of thoughts and I'd allow myself to wallow in self-pity. But you need to power through. Give yourself activities to do, colouring, rock painting (if you know, you know), walking, listen to music, exercising, meditating, whatever works for you, do that. Don't establish a little pity party under your duvet (guilty) when "no one has time for you and you have no friends" (lies) because that won't help anyone. Learn to love time alone and you will be unstoppable. To me, that is the key to being truly happy and content in yourself.

I could go on for miles more but I think this is a good place to come into land. If you have made it this far (fair play to you) it really is appreciated. There is so much I want to share in this space but I wanted to create a context for my future ramblings. I'm simply a gal trying to find her way, winging it as she goes but trusting in the One who is greater than all my uncertainties and the One who sees everything that is to come and will be by my side through it all. If you are currently a caterpillar thinking that your life may be over, I hope and pray that you find the strength to crawl onwards, believing that your wings are indeed on the horizon and that you are about to take flight in the most mesmerising way. Trust the power of new beginnings; they have the ability to turn the darkness into light and your fear into faith.

All my love,

Charis x